Why Asking for Help Feels So Hard (and How to Make It Easier)
Why Asking for Help Feels So Hard (and How to Make It Easier)
Asking for help can feel really uncomfortable—even when it’s something small, like figuring out a tech issue or a favor like asking a friend to grab your kids from school. For many people, especially those with ADHD, it can trigger feelings of guilt, shame, or fear of judgment.
Let’s dive into the emotional barriers that make asking for help so difficult, why your brain resists it, and how you can start to shift that internal dialogue to make it feel a little less overwhelming.
The Emotional Barriers Beneath “I Should Be Able to Do This Myself”
When I think back to high school, I can pinpoint the first time I really struggled to ask for help. It was AP Trigonometry; I was completely lost. Instead of asking for help, I copied homework and avoided office hours because I was terrified that trying and failing would feel even worse.
That experience showed me what so many of my clients also struggle with:
Fear of judgment and shame. The thought of “What will they think?” can stop you before you even start.
Feeling like a burden. We worry about inconveniencing others or wasting their time.
Past negative experiences. If asking for help once felt uncomfortable or dismissive, your brain remembers—and tries to protect you from feeling that again.
Over time, I learned that asking for help is actually a skill. In college, I practiced it—going to office hours, meeting with tutors, reframing help as a way to learn. And that skill carried into my business, too. Hiring a bookkeeper, working with a designer, or collaborating with other professionals has made my life so much easier once I got over the discomfort of acknowledging I couldn’t do it all on my own.
Reframing How You Think About Asking for Help
One of the biggest shifts for me has been realizing that:
It’s impossible to know how to do everything.
People actually want to help. Most people feel good when someone trusts you enough to ask for support.
When that old “I’m a burden” thought comes up, I pause and remind myself that the person I’m asking can set a boundary if they need to—and that it’s okay to take up space and ask for help.
The Role of Vulnerability in Asking for Help
Asking for help requires vulnerability—and vulnerability is uncomfortable. For many people, especially those with ADHD or perfectionist tendencies, vulnerability can feel like danger. Your brain’s job is to protect you from anything that feels uncomfortable, uncertain, or shame-inducing, so it sends out warning signals: Don’t do that. You’ll feel even worse.
But here’s the truth: that discomfort doesn’t go away when you avoid asking for help. It just shifts form.
Here’s how I like to think about it:
Not asking for help is one kind of discomfort. It’s the tight, anxious feeling of trying to figure everything out on your own, spinning your wheels, procrastinating, or avoiding the thing entirely because it feels too big or too hard. It’s the exhaustion that comes from doing too much and still feeling behind.
Asking for help is another kind of discomfort. It’s the vulnerable moment of saying, “I can’t do this alone,” and letting yourself be seen. It’s the fear of judgment, the uncertainty of how someone might respond, the momentary wave of self-doubt that says you should be able to handle it on your own.
Both are uncomfortable—but only one moves you toward relief, ease, and support.
When you push through that initial discomfort and ask for help, you’re giving yourself the chance to experience the other side of vulnerability: connection, clarity, and sometimes even calm. The relief that follows is often immediate—you realize it wasn’t as scary as your brain predicted.
And the more you practice, the easier it becomes. Each time you pause, notice the discomfort, and ask anyway, you’re retraining your brain to see asking for help as a safe and effective strategy—not a threat.
It’s not about eliminating discomfort altogether—it’s about choosing the kind that leads to growth, relief, and support instead of isolation and burnout.
How to Start Making Asking for Help Easier
Here are a few small, concrete ways to practice:
Start small. Ask for help from someone safe—a trusted friend, colleague, or family member.
Plan for self-care. If asking for help brings up big emotions, take time to ground yourself before and after (a walk, water, snack, or deep breathing).
Notice, name, and reframe.
Notice what you’re feeling.
Name the discomfort.
Reframe it with a supportive thought like, “I’m learning how to ask for what I need.”
Give yourself credit. Every step counts—the pause, the reflection, the ask itself. Don’t wait until the full task is done to acknowledge your effort.
A Final Reminder about Asking for Help
Asking for help isn’t a weakness—it’s a skill you can build and practice. It’s also one of the most powerful ways to support your executive functioning.
If you’ve been thinking about getting support but keep putting it off because it feels too vulnerable or uncomfortable, I get it. Reaching out for help takes courage. Working with a coach can give you the structure, accountability, and personalized strategies to make life feel more manageable—and you don’t have to figure it all out alone.
If you’re ready to take that first step, you can apply to work together. We’ll start with a no-pressure chat to get to know each other. I’m looking forward to supporting you.
Looking for support building systems that support this balance?
-
Sarah Lovell (00:03.04)
Asking for help can be really hard and sometimes feel even paralyzing. Whether it's asking for help on something small, that's in air quotes, like troubleshooting technology, a favor, like asking a family member to pick up your kids from school on a busy day, or reaching out to a professional or expert to ask for guidance and support. Asking for help is hard.
Maybe you feel like you should know how to do it all on your own or you worry about what other people will think. Today, we're diving into the emotional barriers that can get in the way of asking for help. We're going to talk about why they happen and some practical ways to start asking for help with less guilt and shame. By the end of episode, you'll have a few new strategies you can add to your toolbox to make asking for help feel a little more approachable.
Sarah Lovell (01:03.96)
So I know this topic maybe doesn't sound like the most fun to talk about or the lightest. I know asking for help is hard. And that's why I wanted to create this episode today. Because I talk with clients all the time about how hard it is to ask for help. Even reaching out to work with an executive function coach for a lot of people is a really big lift to be like,
I am struggling with this. Can you help me? And I, so today's episode is all about the emotional kind of barriers and challenges underneath asking for help. This episode is for anyone who has experienced challenges asking for help, whether it's students, adults, literally anyone can benefit from this episode. And when I talk about asking for help, I mean everything from
you know, the quote unquote small things of, hey, can you help me with household chores? To the bigger things of I'm struggling with this in my life on a chronic basis, who can I reach out to? And asking for help is brave. It's vulnerable. And I know there's a lot underneath it. And that's exactly what we're talking about today. Historically, it has been very challenging for me to ask for help.
I can look back to high school and pinpoint the first time that I really needed help and fought against it. I talk about it on episode 21. That episode was called, How Perfectionism Leads to Procrastination and Strategies to Navigate Discomfort. And I'll link that if you wanna listen to that episode.
But I'll give you the gist of it right here. Basically, I was somebody that school came pretty easy to me, which I know is not the case for many people. But the first time that I experienced a challenge, I had no idea how to navigate it. It was AP trigonometry. I was completely over my head. But instead of asking for help, I avoided it completely. I copied the homework. I skipped office hours. I ignored every opportunity where I could have asked for help.
Sarah Lovell (03:26.498)
because I was convinced that if I tried and failed that that would be even worse. And this is something that I see with clients all the time. They won't ask for help because it feels like admitting a failure or like there's that shame and all the emotions underneath it. And you're like, how does this relate to executive functioning? It does. So self-talk and our emotions are the foundation of our executive functioning.
That's what we're talking about today. For me, it wasn't just like perfectionism. There was fear, shame, guilt, worry, and lots of uncomfortable feelings that kept me stuck. And you can't plan and take action without addressing what your brain is telling you and how you feel about it. So we're definitely talking about feelings and emotions today. And so I want to just preface this with this podcast is not therapy or a replacement for therapy.
Today I'm diving into some of the heavier themes that might be best addressed with a therapist. And as a coach, these are topics that come up in my work with clients, but we focus on the concrete planning and systems related to it, like the executive functioning piece. And so many of my clients are also working with a therapist to dive deeper on those things. And so if you're listening to my podcast and you're like, like this is something I want to think about more. This is something I want support around.
Working with a therapist is an amazing resource and something that I believe we all should have access to. And I know how uncomfortable it can be to reach out and ask for help or to connect with a therapist because I've done that and it is vulnerable. And that's what we're talking about today. The barriers to asking for help. So the first reason that I think it can be so hard to ask for help
is like that fear of judgment and shame. Right? Like that, like what are other people going to think reaction? And so that is a normal, that's a normal thing. Everything we talk about today is normal. And so in my example, back in high school, I can look back on that now and reframe it for myself. And that's, think, a really important piece of navigating emotional barriers and navigating self-talk.
Sarah Lovell (05:52.328)
is noticing what your brain is telling you, noticing how you feel, and reframing it for yourself in a way that is supportive. And so I can look back on that and say, it's impossible to know how to do everything. And so in order to learn, I need to hear things in different ways. And there are many people in my life who are there to offer support. In high school, it was teachers. Now it's coaches, mentors, people in my life, right? Asking for help is a way to learn.
And so luckily I learned from this experience in high school that like I literally can't do everything on my own. And so when I was in college, I asked for help all the time. I went to office hours, I met with tutors, I went to the writing center. Like I viewed it as an opportunity to grow as a student and as a person. And I reframed it for myself as asking for help is a skill.
Like I had to learn how to ask for help. And then I also reframed it for myself that like other people do want to help you. And so in my business now, I went through that same pattern when I started my business. I was like, I should just be able to figure all this out on my own. I don't want other people looking at how I'm doing things and maybe they're like, that's wrong, right?
That's exactly what that's what I needed when I started my business because I couldn't know how to run everything I couldn't you know, I'm good at coaching and that's why I wanted to to You know create my business and build my business, but I had no idea how to do marketing I had no idea how to set up certain technology, right? So bookkeeping. my gosh, right when I hired my bookkeeper that was a game changer for me So Reframing it for yourself is really important
And that connects with the second reason why we get stuck asking for help. Maybe we feel like we're burdening somebody else, right? Like I don't want to inconvenience them. I don't want to waste their time. I don't want to bother them. And so for me, the reframe here is again, the idea of like people want to offer help for the most part. And so,
Sarah Lovell (08:13.846)
If you take a second right now to just pause and think of a time that someone asked you for help and you enjoyed being helpful, like that it felt good. You're like, they thought of me. I get to offer support, assistance, whatever. Most people like that feeling of being there for someone, whether it's again, quote unquote, the small thing of, hey, can you help me problem solve, you know, this technology thing that I have going on.
or the bigger thing of I'm really not sure how to navigate this challenge, right? And so an example for me recently is I recorded this episode. This is my second time recording this episode. The first time I recorded it, when I went to send it to my podcast editor, I noticed that the audio was off. And I had this moment where I was like, I should just
I should just re-record it without sending it to her. I don't want to waste her time. Like if the audio is weird. And I was like the irony of this. Usually it's like, right? Like the things that we need in life like show up for us. And I'm like, no, I just recorded this episode about like, I'm not, you're not a burden asking for help. Especially when it's somebody that like it's their job to help you, right? So I like paused in that moment and was like, I'm not burdening her. I'm not bothering her.
She can set a boundary with me if my ask is too big or outside of the scope of our work together. And so I sent it over and I was like, hey Caroline, I think the audio is weird. Can you just double check if I need to rerecord this? And she sent me back a message and was like, yeah, I ran it through the audio processor and yeah, I think you'll need to rerecord it. And so I ended up in the same spot, but it was a practice of asking for help.
It was a practice of, you know, if she had run it through the processor and was like, no, like I can fix it for you, right? Like, which obviously like that was not possible. But if that had been, I would have saved myself the 20 minutes of rerecording. And I love recording. I love like talking about this stuff. So it's fine to do it a second time. But I was like, that's such an interesting stick, like.
Sarah Lovell (10:35.208)
noticing it in real time. Like I literally had just talked about this fear of being a burden and then it happened for me. Right? So recognizing that it's a practice every time that you pause, notice, reframe, and ask for help. It's a practice and it builds comfort each time. And this ties into the third reason that it might be so hard to ask for help even on things that feel small or things that like you're literally
the person you're asking for, it's their job to help you, is that sometimes we ask for help and we have these past negative experiences. So if you've been dismissed or felt judged or had somebody offer help in a way that really didn't feel good to you, you call customer service and you get the cranky person on the phone or you ask a coworker to talk through a project and
You know, they don't give you the warm fuzzies when she explains how to do it. Those feelings stay with us. And if you're a sensitive person or you read into situations or you identify as an over thinker, these things stay with us longer and heavier and can be more impactful where you're like, I asked for help that one time and it was felt awful. So I'm not going to do it again. Or I'm going to.
work really hard to figure it out on my own or I'm going to avoid it. And so I think it's, again, noticing, naming, reframing, that one bad experience doesn't define all future outcomes, right? Noticing all or nothing thinking, if that's popping up for you. And a way that you can practice this would be starting small with someone who feels safe to ask for help, someone that you know.
how you can maybe anticipate more how they're going to respond because there's somebody in your circle versus somebody that you don't know. And so the other piece of this that I often talk about with clients, especially students who are asking, reaching out to professors to meet for office hours or going and meeting with a tutor for the first time is if you are feeling those big feelings, those overwhelming feelings, that discomfort,
Sarah Lovell (13:00.45)
to carve out time for yourself before and after asking for help for self care. So it might be having a little mindful moment, doing a breathing exercise, going for a walk, having water and a snack, right? Like the basic self care needs that you can do some intentional planning around asking for help to carve out that time for yourself to kind of regroup.
reset your nervous system and recalibrate.
And then obviously I'm talking a lot about the discomfort of asking for help. And part of that is discomfort with vulnerability, right? Asking for help is opening yourself up to be vulnerable and being vulnerable for many of us is uncomfortable. And your brain does not want to be uncomfortable. Your brain wants to protect you from feeling those feelings of shame, guilt, fear.
perfectionism, imposter syndrome, right? You don't want to feel that. Your brain doesn't want to feel that. And so your brain pumps the brakes and says, hey, don't do that thing because then you're going to feel this way even more. And so this is an uncomfortable thing to navigate. Truly the definition of discomfort is feeling uncomfortable. And I talk about this with clients in a way
that I've practiced it, practiced this, where you're choosing the type of discomfort that you're experiencing. And here's what I mean by that. So if you're not asking for help, if you're choosing to push through or try to figure it out on your own or shoulding yourself or avoiding the thing, that's one form of discomfort. Not asking for help is a form of discomfort.
Sarah Lovell (15:00.256)
asking for help is a different form of discomfort. And so it's kind of like being in between a rock and a hard place and that is uncomfortable. And so I think it's like naming that for yourself of like not asking for help is creating discomfort. Asking for help is going to be uncomfortable and asking for help most of the time is going to then relieve that discomfort.
there's ease and space and relief usually after asking for help on something. But it's like you have to go through that increase of discomfort for asking for help. So when we name that for our brain, obviously saying my two choices are uncomfortable does not feel good, but our brain does get this sense of, okay, I understand. And...
The strategy here is so noticing, naming, and reframing. And so the way to kind of approach it can be practicing micro asks to build comfort, acknowledging the discomfort, naming it. Those are all ways to practice working through discomfort versus like our brain's auto response of trying to avoid it, ignore it. If I don't think about it,
it'll disappear, but we know that's not true. And so it's a practice to notice, name, and take small steps. And then give yourself credit. That is huge because your brain is wired in a way that it doesn't necessarily give you credit until you, it feels like you've checked the entire box. You've completed the process, right?
And that's unfair. Like we need to give ourselves credit each step of the way. So when you're noticing a naming discomfort, give yourself credit for doing that mental practice. When you're thinking about who you could ask for help, give yourself credit for that. When you pause and give yourself time to mentally prepare to ask for help, give yourself credit for that each step of the way, give yourself credit. And then that becomes an easier practice too. Your brain looks for
Sarah Lovell (17:21.326)
ways to give yourself credit rather than point out all the things you're not doing or the things that you should be doing better in air quotes.
So I know that this is an uncomfortable topic. Asking for help is uncomfortable. And the emotional barriers underneath asking for help are truly like the iceberg, right? We have to be able to look at that first before we can even do the executive functioning plan of kind of like the practical steps of asking for help. Who do I ask for help?
When do I ask for help? How do I ask for help? How do I take action on that, right? And so that's what I'm gonna talk about in the next episode, the practical piece. But we really can't start that practical piece until we acknowledge the iceberg of emotions and what your brain is telling you. And so I wanna just wrap up here with asking for help is a skill.
that you can build and practice. It's something that we have to learn. And so I'm going to practice that skill right now of asking you for a favor. If you find this podcast helpful, this episode or other episodes, can you leave a five-star review on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you're listening? These ratings help other people find the podcast and connect with it.
And my goal is to spread these free resources far and wide. I've been coaching for over a decade now. I have these conversations with people every single day, every single week. And the people I'm speaking to in my coaching calls feel alone. They feel like they're the only one experiencing this. And I know that's not true because I talk about it all the time with so many people. And so...
Sarah Lovell (19:27.214)
I want more people to have access to these free resources of all the topics I talk about here on From Stuck to Started. So if you could do me that favor, I would really appreciate it. And even more so, if you have somebody in your life who you think would enjoy listening to From Stuck to Started, please share the podcast with them. And thank you so much for helping me spread that. And thank you for being part of my community.
Next week, like I said, we're talking about the practical ways to ask for help. And then the episode after that, we're gonna be talking about delegating and why delegating is so hard and how to, some strategies to navigate that. So thank you so much for being here and I will talk with you again soon.
