How to stop being a people pleaser: 5 traps to watch out for
How to stop being a people pleaser: 5 traps to watch out for
Have you ever caught yourself saying “yes” when you really wanted to say “no”? Pleasing people isn’t always about keeping the peace or avoiding conflict. Sometimes it’s about not realizing how long something will take, how it will impact your schedule, or whether you truly have the capacity to do it.
Let’s explore how people pleasing often shows up when executive function challenges are in the mix and what you can do to shift out of it.
A Story About Ice Cream and People Pleasing
A few months ago, I went to a unique ice cream shop with friends. The menu had flavors like pickled cucumber sorbet, peach jam miso blondie, and pear and blue cheese. The employees encouraged us to sample as many as we wanted.
Even though the store was empty and the staff genuinely wanted us to try everything, I still felt anxious asking for samples. My autopilot thoughts sounded like:
I’m bothering them.
I’m asking too much.
I should just be able to decide quickly.
I was setting boundaries for someone else instead of letting them do it themselves. That’s one way people pleasing can sneak in.
But people pleasing isn’t always about avoiding annoying others or saying “yes” because you don’t want to hurt their feelings or disappoint them. Sometimes people pleasing tendencies stem directly from executive functioning challenges.
People Pleasing and Executive Functioning
As an executive function coach, I see this connection often. And while there are many reasons why people pleasing might show up (some of which are best explored in therapy), today I’m focusing on five executive function traps that can fuel people pleasing and some strategies to help you pause and respond differently.
1. The Time Blindness Trap
What it looks like: You say yes to finishing a task “by the end of the day,” only to realize later that you have three meetings and the task itself takes hours to start.
Why it happens: Time blindness makes it hard to estimate how long tasks actually take, maybe you consistently over or underestimate.
Strategy: Pause before you commit. Check your calendar and say something like, “I’d love to help. Can we look at a timeline that works for both of us?” If you aren’t sure how long the task will take, talk it through with the other person to get their perspective.
2. The Prioritization Trap
What it looks like: A friend asks for moving help the night before your big presentation, and you say yes even though it pulls you away from your priorities.
Why it happens: When everything feels equally important (or not important), and you become paralyzed trying to figure out what to spend your time and energy on, it’s sometimes easier to let someone else decide for you
Strategy: Ask yourself: “What would make the most impact for me right now?” A simple check-in question can help you reconnect with your own time-sensitive priorities. If helping your friend move is going to take away time you need to grocery shop and prepare for the week, are you able to reschedule that to another time? If so, maybe it’s a fit to help. If not, maybe you need to explore alternatives.
3. The Emotional Regulation Trap
What it looks like: You join another committee or project (or sign up to be your kid’s classroom mom) even though you’re already stretched thin, just to avoid disappointing someone.
Why it happens: Tolerating other people’s frustration or disappointment can feel harder than overloading yourself.
Strategy: Practice a buffer script, like: “That sounds important, but I don’t have the capacity right now.” This protects your time without creating conflict.
4. The Working Memory Trap
What it looks like: You say yes to an all-day event with friends, forgetting how exhausted you were the last time you did something similar.
Why it happens: In the moment, your brain remembers the excitement (dopamine!), but not the cost.
Strategy: Visualize the whole day, from wake-up to bedtime. Really picture the full day and try to put yourself in the situation. Ask yourself: “Do I have the energy for this?” You can still say yes, but adjust your expectations for recovery time.
5. The Impulse Control Trap
What it looks like: A coworker pops into your office while you're in the middle of a project and asks for quick help, and you immediately say yes, even though it derails your project.
Why it happens: Impulsivity makes it easy to agree before you’ve thought it through. You aren’t thinking about how difficult it might be to switch back to the project you were working on or the amount of time it will take to go talk with your co-worker.
Strategy: Default to delay. Try: “I’m in the middle of something right now, let me get to a good stopping point and then I’ll swing by.”
The Power of Pausing
Across all five traps, the theme is clear: pause before you say yes. People pleasing isn’t just about keeping others happy—it’s often about how executive function skills like time management, prioritization, emotional regulation, working memory, and impulse control show up in real time.
If you see yourself in these patterns, the next step isn’t to say no to everything. It’s to slow down, reflect on your capacity, and respond in a way that works for you.
Share this blog post & podcast episode with someone you love who is quick to say “yes” and would benefit from pausing for a few minutes to read or listen!
Looking for support building systems that support this balance?
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Sarah Lovell (00:01.496)
People pleasing isn't always about saying yes to avoid hurting someone's feelings or wanting to stay in their good graces. Sometimes people say yes to things because they don't realize how long it's gonna take or how it'll impact their schedules or that they actually don't have the capacity to do the thing that they said they would do. In today's episode, we'll dig into why people pleasing shows up so often when executive function challenges are in the mix.
And I'll share some strategies to help you set boundaries, protect your priorities, and to say yes to what really matters.
break.
Sarah Lovell (00:45.698)
Okay, so I want to start today's episode with a story from my own life. The other day, and by the other day at this point, this was over the summer, this was months ago, but whenever I start a story, I like I'm always like, the other day. But anyway, several months ago, I went and got ice cream with two friends and we went to this really unique ice cream place that did not have typical flavors.
pickled cucumber sorbet, peach jam miso blondie, olive oil, pear and blue cheese, strawberry balsamic honey with black pepper. Like a crazy menu of ice cream flavors. And we walked in and the store was legitimately empty. There were just three, you know, young employees, like probably between 19 and 22 at the front desk, at the front counter. And they were like, let us know if you want to try anything.
And they even had a sign next to their menu being like, please try samples. And I was like overwhelmed because I had no idea that this was, I was like, I'm just going to order what I always order. But they did not have chocolate chip. So I was like, all right, this is cool and exciting. And I literally just kind of stared at the menu being like, how do I make a decision? And while I was in a state of paralysis,
my friend asked to try the pickle flavor and I was like, okay, me too. and then she asked to try the, you know, peach jam miso blondie and I was like, okay, me too. And I started feeling this discomfort of like, no, this is not like, I, it was just uncomfortable for me. And so I asked the employee, I was like, what is your tolerance for how many flavors we can try?
before we start to annoy you. And I worded it in kind of like a like, haha, funny way, like light and breezy, but actually the base of it was my anxiety. And the employee was like, before you came in, there was literally nobody here. And after you leave, no one is going to come in. It's kind of a dead time for us. And this gives us something to do. And then they pointed to the sign and was like, our sign also says ask to try them all. So like, please try as many as you want.
Sarah Lovell (03:14.242)
Like we want you to order what you actually like. And I still felt uncomfortable, right? Like my narrative that was running in the back of my brain on autopilot is I'm bothering them, I'm annoying them, I'm asking them to do too much. I should just be able to decide. And those are auto populated thoughts in my brain. And I should just be able to decide is a wild one because I have never tried.
pickle ice cream or pear and blue cheese ice cream. Like how do you just decide? Like that is a risk. And so I paused and noticed for myself, like, okay, this is a people pleasing tendency for me. So I like, and you know, I had the bravery of my friend being like, and I'll try this one and I'll try this one. And so I got to practice in that moment, noticing it and reframing it for myself. Like this is their job.
they're offering extra support. He is enjoying talking to me about the flavors. Like he was describing how they make them. He was making suggestions based on what I liked and what I didn't like. Cause there were definitely the pickle one was like, have that like, Ooh, Ooh, type of like reaction to it. And then I realized, I was like, I don't need to set other people's boundaries. Like he can cut me off if he's like,
ma'am, you have had enough. Also, if you had called me ma'am, would have died. I don't know why I even said that right now. But this is the type of people pleasing that I think people picture when we talk about people pleasing. Like, I don't want to bother you, so I'm not going to ask for help, or I'm not going to ask for the things that I need, right? It can also, I think the traditional people pleasing that we think of is saying yes to things because you don't want to...
bother somebody. So if somebody asks for help, if somebody asks you to do something, you're just like, yes, let me do let me do that. Right. Putting someone else's needs above your own can be a form of people pleasing. Not always. Right. But today I'm talking about people pleasing from a different different lens. People pleasing doesn't always look like this. It's not always the not wanting to annoy somebody or wanting to go out of your way to to help somebody.
Sarah Lovell (05:37.454)
at the expense of yourself. Sometimes people pleasing comes from executive function challenges. And that's what we're gonna talk about today because I'm an executive function coach. And there are lots of reasons why you might be a people pleaser. And we are not gonna dive into that today because to be honest, that is a conversation for therapy and coaching is not therapy.
As a quick aside, everyone deserves therapy and deserves that support and to learn about themselves and all of that. And so when clients come to me with people pleasing challenges related to the work that we're doing together, sometimes I do say like, actually that's more of a conversation for you and your therapist or a potential therapist. But as an executive function coach, I talk with clients about people pleasing from a more concrete approach and perspective.
and how it directly relates to your executive functioning. So today we're not diving deep into the why, like the mental health why for why people pleasing might be popping up for you or might be impacting you. That's a conversation for your therapist. But we are gonna talk about five executive function traps that fuel people pleasing and strategies to navigate them. And these are things that I talk about with clients all the time. So let's jump into some of these examples.
So the first one is the time blindness trap. So time blindness, that's a new phrase for you, I will give a quick definition here. But basically time blindness is not knowing how long things take or not feeling the passing of time in a way that is like supportive and helpful for you. And so you just have a different relationship with time.
And so if you get stuck in the time blindness trap, you might underestimate or overestimate how long things will take. And so the way that this can show up with people pleasing is, for example, like if your boss comes into your office and is like, hey, can you get this done for me by the end of the day? And you are like, yep, no problem. But then you...
Sarah Lovell (08:04.085)
Maybe realize once you start trying to do the task that they gave you, maybe you realize that you have three hours of meetings and the task itself actually involves a lot of startup work that maybe your boss didn't realize, right? Maybe you didn't realize, but like the task itself is literally impossible to complete by the end of the day because you don't have the time and it's going to take longer than you realized. And so,
This is one that happens a lot with my clients. They say yes to things or they basically like over promise how quickly they can get things done. Not because they don't want like not because they, how do I want to phrase this? Not because they're like,
Sarah Lovell (08:56.014)
I'm gonna restart that.
Sarah Lovell (09:00.206)
So they might be saying, yes, I can get this done with the intention and like true thought that it is possible to get it done by that deadline. But then they realize, oops, this is actually not a realistic timeline. And so that can get into a complicated spiral, right? Maybe some avoidance pops up there. Maybe this has happened in the past. so, know, stress is snowballing.
And so it's really important if you're somebody that you're nodding your head as I'm talking through this example, you're like, yes, I say yes to things or timelines or deadlines that just are not realistic. One way to approach this is to pause before you say yes. And this might be talking it through with the person who's asking you to do something. So it might be like, yeah, let me just look at my calendar really quick.
Ooh, turns out I have three meetings today. And actually, I'm not really sure how to start this project. So could we extend the deadline or can I do part of it today and get you part of it like passing part of it, right? So this is an oversimplified strategy here. This is something that I help clients really individualized to fit for them. And I should have said this at the beginning, I always say whenever I share strategies, take what's helpful for you.
adjust to fit and leave whatever is not helpful behind, because there's no one size fits all. But the goal that I want you to take away from today's episode is just noticing where these different executive functioning traps might be popping up in relation to your people pleasing, if you even connect with that term, maybe you call it something else, and then looking for places to pause. So that's the goal.
So, all right, the second executive functioning trap that can pop up here is the prioritization trap. Prioritizing is extremely complicated. It is one of the most complicated executive function skills because it requires all of your other skills. It requires time management, it requires organizing, planning, all of it. And so if you struggle with prioritizing, you're not alone.
Sarah Lovell (11:24.686)
and something that I see a lot is either everything feels like a priority or maybe nothing feels like a priority. And so if you get paralyzed trying to decide what to take action on, if somebody else comes in and says, hey, could you do this thing for me? Or hey, could you help me with this? You you have a friend who comes in and says, hey, I'm moving this weekend. Can you come over and help me move boxes?
that it's sometimes easier to let someone else decide what you quote unquote should focus on if you get stuck in a paralysis around prioritizing. So if that friend says, hey, Sunday night, can you come help me move boxes? And you are like, yeah, sure, no problem. But you maybe have a big presentation the next day or Sunday is the time that you prep your week. And so it's going to take
and energy away from a time that is supportive for you to get ready for the week, maybe that wasn't the right time to offer help. And so again, a strategy here, all of the strategies are basically going to be to take a second to pause. It's a form of mindfulness because your brain might be wired to say yes quickly.
And so a way to kind of check in related to prioritizing, this is one of my favorite questions. I say it often on the podcast is what would make the most impact for me right now? And maybe you're thinking about, you know, what you have coming up. So it might be reflecting on some time sensitive priorities for the week and checking in on does this help me move one of those forward? And if not, it's okay to say no, or I can't do Sunday, but could I swing by?
later this week after I finish my presentation, right? Whatever it might be.
Sarah Lovell (13:22.806)
The third executive function trap that pops up is the emotional regulation trap. And so a lot of people don't realize that emotional regulation is actually an executive function skill. It's noticing, naming, being aware of your emotions and being able to regulate them. So it's very similar to like nervous system regulation too. Like it's really letting yourself be aware of how you're feeling and
doing some processing before you jump into things or before you, yeah, before you do things like taking a second to pause. That's the theme of this episode. So emotional regulation can also tie in with like relationships. And so if you're someone who feels things deeply and you don't wanna disappoint,
people, like you feel that really heavily. Saying yes might feel easier than tolerating or experiencing their frustration or feeling like you're disappointing them, right? Like that discomfort of assuming somebody else's emotions. Maybe they've made their emotions very clear, but basically this like discomfort tolerance of like, it's easier for me just to help them. Like I don't want to put them out.
So it might be, you know, you get asked to join a committee or a project and even though you're already at capacity, you don't want to upset them. You're assuming you would upset them. So you say yes and you become the classroom mom even though you're like, I do not have time or energy or capacity for that. And so this is where it can be helpful to have something that you've practiced saying like a little bit of a script.
so that you're not saying yes immediately. So it might be something like, that sounds so great, I'd love to help, but unfortunately that's not a fit for me right now. So that softens your no while still protecting your time if that's something that you're wanting to say no to or not right now too. So again, it's being mindful of the emotions that are stirring up and that's also a great place to talk with a
Sarah Lovell (15:46.882)
therapist. And so as a coach, when emotion regulation is very intertwined in the work that we're doing, that's something that I refer to talking to a therapist about, because that's not necessarily coaching work, but it does impact executive functioning.
All right, fourth trap here is the working memory trap. And so basically your brain forgets things. All of our brains forget things. But when we're in the moment, it can be really hard to remember the last time you overloaded yourself or the last time you said yes to something and ended up being exhausted afterwards. And so...
in the moment, it might be like, that's a really exciting thing. Like, you know, maybe you're being asked to volunteer at a race with a bunch of your friends and you're like, my gosh, that sounds so fun. I would love to do an all day event with you guys. And your brain is remembering the dopamine, the joy, the time with your friends. Your brain is not remembering how exhausted you were.
how you weren't able to do any of the chores or activities that you needed to do, how it set you back, right? And I'm not saying say no to everything all the time. I hope that I sound like a Debbie Downer being like, say no, don't do anything. That's not the goal of this episode. The goal of this episode is to pause and check in with your capacity. So maybe you do this pause before you say yes, and you're like, ooh, the last time I did an all-day event, I was really tired.
And so if I want to say yes to this, can I carve out time afterwards or adjust the expectations that I have afterwards for doing the things that I need to do on my to-do list or the things that, you know, that are on my list that I want or need to do, right? And if you're a visual person, this could be literally picturing yourself going through
Sarah Lovell (17:50.434)
the event or the thing that is being asked of you. So it could be picturing yourself waking up super early to get to the event and picturing yourself driving and picturing yourself being outside standing all day, picturing yourself being with your friends, having fun, going out to eat afterwards and then getting home late, right? So it could be like putting yourself in that situation to really see it and feel it. And sometimes that can be really helpful for executive functioning.
to be like, let me try to watch this like a movie in my brain. And then you're like, whoa, that is like a 12 hour day. Do I have the capacity for that? Right? And then maybe you say yes, maybe you say no. If you're a verbal processor, it might be helpful to talk it through with someone. So if you're being invited by a friend, you're like, yeah, like what is involved? And like talking through, talking through the day, asking questions, getting more clarity before you say yes or no to help you see the big picture.
And then the last executive function trap here kind of relates to that. It's like the impulse control trap. So if you're somebody that is quick to do things, you're a high impulse person, you respond quickly to requests without pausing to think it through, like you're going off of your gut response or an emotional response. There's nothing wrong with that. Your brain is just wired to think that way.
And so, for example, if you're at your desk at work and you're in the middle of a project and a coworker pops their head in and says, hey, can you come look at this thing real quick? And you're like, yeah, sure. And you like get up and walk away from your desk. Maybe getting back to your work is going to be harder for you because it's a task switch. Or maybe the ask from your coworker totally derails.
your thinking and your energy and you're like now the rest like I'm struggling to get back to the things that that I was doing before right but if your brain is wired to make decisions quickly or to take action quickly this is an opportunity to you guess it practice pausing and so it might look like your co-worker pops their head in and says hey can you come look at this thing real quick
Sarah Lovell (20:16.864)
And you say, right now I'm in the middle of, I don't know what you're doing for work. Let me pick something random. I'm in the middle of going through this data file. I don't know, I can't think of a job right now. I'm going through this data file. Let me get to a good stopping point and then I'll come swing by your desk. Right? And so it's practicing that pause to be like, right now I don't want to lose my train of thought. I don't want to lose what I'm doing.
let me make a plan that works for me and potentially works for the other person. so I think the, the theme here is definitely pausing. and that's, think that's a helpful skill in most areas of our lives. A lot of time we can be on, like an auto populate or autopilot, or
we can, our brains are wired to do things the way they do things. And so if that isn't serving you all the time or doesn't feel good, to be like, okay, let me take a second right now to pause, to check in with myself, to name what's happening and maybe adjust my plan. Maybe go with the plan that you were gonna go with, right? And I hope that that's like the takeaway from this episode.
And I also hope that if you're someone who identifies as a people pleaser or notices that you say yes to too many things, that it can be related to executive functioning. That is not the only reason that people pleasing pops up, like I said at the beginning of the episode. But yeah, just take a second to do some reflecting when you notice the opportunity for it. So if you're a recovering people pleaser,
Next time you go to say yes to something, just take a second to pause. And if you want to sample five ice cream flavors, do it and enjoy. If you have a friend who you think might enjoy this episode, please pass it along. Thank you so much for being part of my community here, and I will talk with you again soon.
