The Perfectionism Trap—Why It Keeps You Stuck & What to do About It
Perfectionism is More Than Just High Standards
Perfectionism isn’t about wanting to do well—it’s about feeling like you have to do well to avoid failure, judgment, or discomfort. Perfectionism doesn’t just slow you down—it paralyzes you.
As an executive function coach, I work with overwhelmed perfectionists every day, especially those with ADHD or executive dysfunction.
If you’re stuck in a cycle of overthinking, avoiding tasks, or spending way too much time trying to get things "just right," perfectionism might be running the show.
The good news? You can break free from perfectionism without "lowering your standards." You just need the right strategies.
How My Middle School Gym Class Exposed My Perfectionism
I vividly remember the moment I realized how deeply perfectionism controlled my life—seventh-grade gym class. My school had a circus unit (yes, really), where we were graded on juggling, walking on stilts, and—my personal nightmare—riding a unicycle. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get the hang of it.
When test day came, I was panicked. I begged my mom to let me skip school, convinced that failing at unicycling would somehow ruin my academic record and, ultimately, my future. (Spoiler: It didn’t.)
I knew I wasn’t going to be perfect at it and instead wanted to run from the challenge.
What’s Really Hiding Under Perfectionism?
Perfectionism isn’t about being perfect—it’s about fear. Fear of:
✅ Making mistakes
✅ Being judged or criticized
✅ Not being "good enough"
✅ Feeling like a failure
Looking back to the day of the circus test, I see it wasn’t about the grade—it was about my perfectionistic fear of failure, judgment, and losing my identity as a "high achiever." And that’s exactly how perfectionism traps us: it convinces us that anything less than perfect is unacceptable.
And for those struggling with executive dysfunction, perfectionism makes it even harder to start tasks, manage time, and follow through. The result? A vicious cycle of avoidance, stress, and self-criticism.
How Perfectionism Affects Executive Function
Your executive functioning skills(planning, prioritization, time management, etc.) are crucial for getting things done. But perfectionism hijacks these skills in a few key ways:
🌀 Overthinking:You spend so much time planning or analyzing that you never start.
🌀 Avoidance:If you can’t do it perfectly, why do it at all?
🌀 Procrastination: You put things off because the idea of doing them "wrong" is overwhelming.
🌀 Burnout:You push yourself to unrealistic standards until you’re exhausted.
I didn’t even want to try the unicycle because I knew I wasn’t going to be good at it. I set myself up for failure before I even started.
Sound familiar? You’re not alone. The next step is learning how to shift your mindset.
5 Steps to Overcome Perfectionism and Take Action
1. Identify your "Circus Test"
Is your brain making this task way bigger than it really is? Ask yourself:
Am I overthinking this more than necessary?
What would "good enough" look like?
Will this actually matter in a week/month/year?
Perfectionists tend to treat every task like it’s life-or-death, all-or-nothing. Reality check yourself and adjust your approach.
2. Adjust Expectations to Fit Reality
Instead of lowering your expectations (which your brain will resist), adjust them to match your time, energy, and priorities. Ask:
✔️ How much time do I realistically have for this?
✔️ Does this task actually require 110% effort?
✔️ What’s the simplest version of this that still gets the job done?
3. Start Messy, Improve Later
Perfectionists struggle to start because they’re afraid the first attempt won’t be great. Instead, give yourself permission to start messy and refine over time. Progress is always better than perfect.
4. Externalize Perfectionism
Stop saying “I am a perfectionist.” Instead, say: “My perfectionistic thoughts are showing up right now.” This simple shift helps you separate perfectionism from your identity, making it easier to challenge.
5. Build Your Executive Function Toolbox
If executive dysfunction makes perfectionism worse for you, the solution is better systems, not more willpower. Try:
✅ Using timers to prevent overworking small tasks
✅ Setting more realistic goals instead of aiming for 110% every single time
✅ Creating external deadlines to avoid endless tweaking
Want more strategies? That’s what I teach inside my executive function coaching program, Stuck to Started.
Final Thoughts: Progress Over Perfection
Perfectionism isn’t just frustrating—it’s exhausting. But the truth is, you don’t have to choose between perfection and failure. There’s a middle ground: progress.
Your challenge: The next time perfectionism pops up, ask yourself—is this a circus situation? Can I take one small step forward, even if it’s messy?
Your brain makes things feel SO BIG, when it really doesn’t matter that much - like my circus test.
I’m not a professional circus performer. I never let go of the wall. I haven’t had an opportunity to try unicycling since middle school, but if I ever do get a chance to try again, I would hop on in a second. And I would try with no expectations. And my only fear would be about falling - not about being perfect.
Curious about working with an executive function coach to navigate perfectionism?
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Sarah Lovell (00:02)
Welcome back to From Stuck to Started. I'm kicking off a series of podcast episodes about perfectionism and how it impacts your daily life. As an executive function and ADHD coach, I work with a lot of overwhelmed perfectionists. So today we are talking about what's hiding underneath perfectionism and how it keeps you stuck. If you find yourself overthinking, overdoing, or avoiding things because of perfectionism, this episode is for you.
Pause music.
So if you've been listening to the podcast for a while or following me on Instagram, you've heard me talk about being a recovering perfectionist. If you are new here, if you're just getting to know me, you're gonna get to know me pretty well this episode. I have lots of stories that I could share about how perfectionism has impacted my life and how I've been working through it. But there was one story that like immediately stuck out in my mind of like, I should share this one.
and it's about seventh grade gym class. And as soon as I had the thought of like, I could tell that story, that's a good one. Part of my brain, the perfectionist part of my brain said, is that actually the best story to share? And while that could be a valid check-in question of like, know, like, it the best? It was the perfectionist part of my brain. So it was like, is that the perfect story? Is that going to hit all the points that you wanted to hit? And that is so ironic.
But I'm going to tell you a story that only my closest friends and family have heard, but I think it's worth it. think it was a good learning moment for me, and it'll be an entertaining learning moment for you. picture seventh grade Sarah. I am an A student across the board. My academics are like the core of my identity in middle school.
And like I was really rewarded for getting good grades. Obviously by teachers, report cards, family, myself, I had lot of like intrinsic value of like being a smart, hardworking, overachieving seventh grader. And I dreaded gym class. Like I absolutely hated going to gym. I was not athletic. I was not coordinated. I was at peak awkwardness, I think in seventh grade.
And my public school had a circus unit in gym class. And I thought this was normal. I thought this was a universal experience like that every seventh grader or middle schooler in the United States did. I thought everybody had to do a circus unit. And when I told this story to friends and people I met across the years, they were like, that is insane. We played like soccer.
and basketball and like kickball. And we did all those things too. But we also had a unit. It was like, I think it was probably like four to six weeks. It was pretty long where we had to learn to juggle, ride a unicycle, walk on stilts and spin plates. And you had to basically over the course of like however many weeks it was, you had to practice all of these things.
And they gave, guess, some instruction of like, you know, how to balance and, you know, strategies for juggling or whatever. Right. And I was, I hated every second of it. It was awful to me. because not only did we have to like go through this unit, but we were going to be graded at the end of how successfully we did each of these things. And so like, the one that really sticks out to me was the unicycle because basically
If you could, the goal was that you would be able to unicycle a certain distance across the gym and that would be an A. And then a B would be like if you could go slightly shorter than that, you know, a C was if you were like still, if you had to like hold onto the wall to cycle, right? D was like you barely were sitting on it. And I vividly remember this. Obviously I'm still working through this. And I could not do it.
And this was not something that I could like study harder for or like, you know, I couldn't get better at unicycling. Like I just, needed more time. I needed more practice. I needed more than four weeks to learn how to unicycle. And so test day came, which like it's wild to me that we were tested on this. And I basically was freaking out.
because I knew I hadn't improved over this period of time. I asked my mom if I could skip school. I was like, please don't let me, don't make me go. But I had figured out because I was a type A overachiever, over thinker, I was like, well, what happens if I miss this test? Turns out they had a makeup exam planned. Like you couldn't miss this because we all needed to learn how to unicycle and juggle and walk on stilts. And so I had to go.
And I just remember that whole day feeling awful, like the dread of, my God, I have to get on this unicycle. And like, it was kind of somewhat public because, you know, yeah, it was just awful all around. Well, I could not let go of the wall on the unicycle and I got my first C. And I know I'm currently, you know, an adult 30, in my 30s now and
I know that this didn't impact my life, but in that moment I was like, my life is over. Because I was like, this is gonna impact everything. This is my report card, my GPA, now what am I gonna, college, jobs. I have a C on this one test in gym class in seventh grade, right? And the thing was, I didn't care about being able to ride the unicycle.
I had zero interest. It would be totally different if I was like, wow, this is such a cool opportunity that I get to try this and like see how well I do. No, I was not thinking about it like that at all. My perfectionistic brain was so focused on the grade. And this is, this is one of the takeaways. There are a couple of takeaways here. But perfectionism is not actually about being perfect. We all think it is. There's this idea of like, want to,
do my best, I want it to, right? I wanna do really well. And yeah, that's a little piece of perfectionism, but the iceberg under perfectionism is fear. Fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of not being good enough, fear of the ripple effect of how will this impact other things. And so in seventh grade, I could not have cared less.
about my ability to ride the unicycle, but I was afraid of how other people would perceive me. I was afraid of how that grade would impact me for the rest of my life. And now I can look back on it and be like, my gosh, what a bizarre moment in my life, right? But this is something that I, I mean, other than it being a hysterical story, this is something that I do reflect back on related to perfectionism.
And there is a Brene Brown quote that I am obsessed with. I'm going to read it to you. Perfectionism is not the same as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we do things perfectly, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. And that is exactly what my little seventh grade
perfectionistic brain was trying to do. I was not trying to become the next Cirque du Soleil unicycle rider. I was trying to avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. And so I talked about this in a workshop in Stuck to Start it. I did an entire workshop on navigating perfectionism because I work with a lot of perfectionists. And something I talked about is that there are lots of social and cultural
pressures to be perfect, right? Those come from work, school, social media, and perfectionism is rewarded, right? In school, good grades come with awards, acceptance into programs, right? It sets you up for all of these other things. Same thing with work, perfectionism or working to strive to be towards your best comes with promotions, raises recognition. Perfectionism is not all bad.
your brain wants you to do well and it wants you to put time and energy into things to produce good quality work, to produce things that you're proud of, right? So I don't want, I think that was something I struggled with when I was like noticing these perfectionistic tendencies in my life was like some of this is a strength that I work really hard on things that I put time and effort into things, but not everything needs that level of attention.
seventh grade Sarah was freaking out for weeks about this unicycle thing. And I also had to do the stilts, but I'll save that story for another time. my perfectionistic brain thought that everything needed to be my best. And so this is something that I check in on with myself sometimes when I start a project, like this podcast, for example, like when I first started recording episodes.
I would rerecord and rerecord and rerecord. And I was like, wait, is this a circus situation? Am I like making this a bigger deal than it needs to be? And so perfectionism can also keep you from doing things because you're like, I don't want to put that much time or effort into something or I want to avoid the discomfort of if I can't be perfect at it. So this is something I talk with clients about. What is your perfectionistic brain?
telling you, because it's not your whole brain. It is a piece of your brain. It is a piece of who you are. What is the picture that your perfectionistic brain is painting? And what is it leading to? So it might look like, you know, my the text message or email that I need to send needs to be perfectly worded. The tone needs to be right. I want to make sure they understand exactly what it is I'm trying to say. And so it might take forever.
to rewrite and draft and ask chat GPT its opinion of your tone of this email, right? Like overthinking it. And yeah, maybe there are some emails where you're like, this is a really important email. I want to put in some extra time and energy into it. But is it a circus situation? Is your brain making it bigger than what it actually is? Can you challenge that perfectionistic thought and say, okay, my perfectionistic brain is saying that the email needs to look a certain way.
But what is reality? How can I bring it down a notch, right? And have it be good enough, have it feel right and still send it. And this takes practice. I work with clients on this over and over and over again, because if your brain has been wired this way, it's gonna take time to unwire it. Perfectionism, your perfectionistic part of your brain might tell you to avoid something because you don't want to experience discomfort. I talked about this in past episodes with
approaching like starting yoga, starting something new. It could also be an assignment for school, writing a paper, preparing a work presentation, right? The discomfort of starting it, the perfectionist, the perfectionistic part of your brain is like, it's going to be so much effort. So just avoid it for now. There's also that fear that I talked about earlier, fear of criticism, fear of judgment, worrying what other people will think, right? And then that turns into your inner voice.
being pretty harsh with yourself, right? Being mean to yourself, ruminating, thinking over and over again about it. So a strategy that I help clients with is adjusting your expectations to fit reality. And if you're a perfectionist, the idea of lowering your expectations might not feel good. Even the phrasing there, right? Like, lower your expectations. If your brain is like, ew, no, I can't.
That's why we're rephrasing it. So we're not lowering your expectations. You are adjusting your expectations to fit reality. And so here are some questions you can ask the perfectionistic part of your brain to kind of reality check things, to make sure that it's not a circus situation, like that you're not putting too much thought and stress onto something, right? How much time do you have? What is your energy like?
How important is this task or thing that you need to do?
Can you give yourself permission to start messy and make it better over time? That's what I did with this podcast. If you have been with me since episode one, or if you've gone back and listened to the first episode, it sounds very different. I started super messy. I scripted everything. Like the perfectionistic anxiety part of my brain was like, I need to write out every single word. I need to know exactly what I'm gonna say next because this is new.
I can talk forever in a coaching call or in a hot seat call or on a workshop because there's that back and forth. It is super weird to just sit here and talk to myself. And so I had to get over the discomfort of like, this is new. It's going to take me time to get into a rhythm and figure out how to do something new, right? So can you give yourself permission to start messy and then give your perfectionistic part of your brain a little bit of comfort?
by saying, I'm going to get better over time. I'm going to keep working on this, right? If it's something that is completely new to you, acknowledge that you are learning. And if you're somebody where things came easy to you, learning came easy to you, I know this is not everybody, but if things just naturally came to you and this is the first time that you're experiencing a challenge with something new,
It's really important not to compare yourself to yourself. Just because other things have come easier doesn't mean that everything is going to come easy for you. The same is true for the opposite. If you're somebody where you're like, am chronically struggling to figure things out, your brain is going to tell you that that is how it's always going to be. And so you have to challenge that part of your brain and say, I don't know how it's going to go until I get started. What if things go easier than I thought they would?
Right? So checking in on if you're comparing yourself to yourself. Because definitely seventh grade circus Sarah was comparing, why can't I learn how to ride a unicycle to all of the other things that came easier to me. And I just wasn't meant to ride a unicycle guys. It's okay. Another thing that I want to encourage you to try is externalizing perfectionism.
you are not a perfectionist. And if your brain is exploding right now with that thought, cause you're like, no, I am a perfectionist. This is the challenge. So I used to proudly call myself a perfectionist. Like it was a core identity for me all the way up through college and even into my first job. I was like, I'm a perfectionist. I, I work really hard. put too much time and effort into the things that don't matter. because my brain is telling me to write. Like I was like, this is
who I am. And so when I shifted my thinking around that, that like, yes, part of me as a perfectionist, part of my brain wants me to do things a certain way. It's a totally new way to think. It takes off some of that pressure. It helps me realize, you know, not everything needs my full energy, time and attention. Some things are circus things and they don't need it. And so
One way that I practice that is I say, woo, perfectionism is popping up right now, right? You're naming it, calling it into awareness. Perfectionism is popping up right now. I'm going to focus on progress and progress looks like fill in the blank. So I hope I gave you some new ways to think about perfectionism today, maybe challenging some of those thoughts.
which if your perfectionistic part of your brain is really loud, it's going to take time to practice shifting your thinking and noticing when that's popping up and asking yourself. You can borrow the question if you want, is this a circus situation? Is it okay for me to let this go a little bit? Or can I adjust my expectations to fit reality? Or what is my perfectionistic brain telling me? And how can I adjust
what that looks like so that I'm not burning myself out on every single thing. And give yourself permission. There might be a few things in your life where you're like, Sarah, I love putting all this time and energy into this particular hobby or this one presentation at work that's coming up. That's okay. Perfectionism, perfectionism can be a strength sometimes, but the iceberg underneath can be really heavy.
And I'm going to read you that quote from Brene Brown one more time as our closer here. Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we do things perfectly, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.
So keep an eye out for what your perfectionistic brain is telling you. I am going to record a few more podcast episodes about navigating perfectionism. Those are gonna be coming out over the next couple of weeks. I'm going to give you even more concrete strategies to use when perfectionism is paralyzing you, when it's causing overwhelm, when you're stuck in it. So stick around for the next couple of weeks and beyond.
but please subscribe or follow this podcast wherever you listen. That way you automatically get notified when new episodes release on Wednesdays. And then I have a request. If you have a friend or a loved one who you think would enjoy my weird stories about middle school circus class and some executive functioning strategies, please send from stuck to started along to them.
My goal is to spread this message and these resources far and wide. So thank you for being here and I will talk with you next week.
