For Overwhelmed People Pleasers: How to Set Boundaries, Advocate for Yourself, and Reclaim Your Time
When another dog approached us off-leash, I didn’t hesitate. I said, “My dog needs space, please call your dog away.” I didn’t second-guess myself. I didn’t overthink how it would come across.
I KNEW my anxious pup, while being the sweetest, snuggliest dog, needs her space during walks.
I simply advocated for her because I knew what she needed.
That moment was a lightbulb for me: why was it so easy to speak up for my dog and so hard to do the same for myself?
How many of us have no problem supporting loved ones, helping friends, or standing up for someone we care about—but when it comes to advocating for our own needs, we freeze?
It’s a balancing act. Being kind and supportive doesn’t have to come at the cost of our time, energy, and well-being and there’s a way you can advocate for yourself.
Here are some tools & strategies to help you set boundaries in a way that feels good:
1. Understand the Difference Between Kindness and People-Pleasing
There’s nothing wrong with helping others—until it starts to negatively impact you. People-pleasing happens when you go out of your way to make others happy at the expense of your own needs.
Kindness comes from a genuine desire to help, whereas people-pleasing often stems from guilt, fear of rejection, or a desire for approval. The first step to setting healthy boundaries is to check in with yourself:
“Am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel like I have to?”
“Is this action aligned with my needs and priorities right now?”
2. Use Simple Strategies to Pause Before Saying “Yes”
If you’re quick to say “yes” when someone asks for your help, try giving yourself space to think before answering.
One of my favorite tools comes from researcher and author Brené Brown, a self-proclaimed recovering perfectionist and people-pleaser. Her trick: She twists her ring three times before answering. This small physical reminder helps her pause and ask:
“Does this fit my schedule, my energy, and my priorities?”
You don’t have to say “yes” immediately. In fact, your first answer can be “maybe.” Practice responses like:
“Let me check my calendar and get back to you.”
“I’ll need some time to think about that.”
These little pauses give you room to make choices that align with your needs—not someone else’s expectations.
3. Boundaries Are a Tool—Not a Wall
A boundary isn’t about shutting people out. It’s about creating space to manage your time and energy effectively.
Here are a few real-life ways you can practice setting boundaries:
Cancel or reschedule plans when you’re overwhelmed.Recently, I rescheduled a gathering with friends after an exhausting workday. Communicating my needs allowed me to enjoy a more energized and fulfilling time later.
Protect your work hours. If you’re self-employed, it’s easy to let work bleed into evenings. I’ve set a boundary to stop working late, ensuring my schedule supports my lifestyle.
Limit the options you offer.When someone asks for your time, avoid “maybes” that don’t work for you. Offer only what aligns with your schedule.
Remember: Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re being mean. It’s about being clear and kind—both to others and to yourself.
4. Schedule “Me Time” Like It’s a Non-Negotiable Meeting
One of the best ways to say “no” to things that drain you is by saying “yes” to yourself.
If your calendar is shared or constantly filling up, block off time for yourself. Treat it like any other commitment. You deserve that space to:
Relax or recharge
Pursue a hobby or passion
Get outside for a walk or exercise
When you protect time for yourself, you’re less likely to feel resentful or overwhelmed.
5. Practice Asking for Help and Delegating
Recovering people pleasers often struggle to ask for help. It can feel uncomfortable or out of control. But asking for support—at work, at home, or with friends—can lighten your load and create more balance.
Start small:
Delegate one task that someone else can handle.
Ask a friend or partner for input or shared responsibilities.
Use language like, “I’m not able to do that—can someone else take this on?”
Advocating for yourself gets easier with practice. The more you do it, the more confident you’ll feel.
Learn more about delegating here!
6. Set Boundaries With Yourself (Especially Around Screen Time)
Not all boundaries are about other people. Sometimes, the hardest limits to set are the ones with yourself.
For example, many of us struggle with screen time. Phones and social media are designed to keep us scrolling, so don’t feel bad if you get sucked in. Instead, set intentional boundaries:
Use apps that block distractions during certain times (like Opal or One Sec).
Replace mindless scrolling with activities you enjoy: reading, crafts, or exercise.
Give yourself screen-free “buffer time” before bed or after social events.
The goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. Small adjustments can make a big difference in how you feel.
Final Reminder: Advocate for Yourself Like You Would for Someone You Love
If you find it hard to set boundaries or ask for help, start with this simple question:
“How would I advocate for someone I love?”
Then do that for yourself. Whether it’s saying no, protecting your time, or communicating your needs, you deserve the same care and consideration you give to others.
Boundaries are a tool, not a barrier. They help you prioritize what matters most, so you can show up as your best self—at work, in relationships, and for yourself.
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Know someone who’s overwhelmed and struggling to set boundaries? Share this post with them! Let’s normalize advocating for ourselves and protecting our time and energy.
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Sarah Lovell (00:00)
Do you have a hard time asking for help or advocating for yourself? This episode is for my overwhelmed people pleasers. If you are somebody who goes out of your way to support other people and you put your own needs aside, this episode is for you.
Today we are talking about boundaries, how to set them to protect your time and energy and create space for you.
The other day I had this mind blowing realization that I have an easier time advocating for my dog than I do for myself. So I'm going to backtrack and tell you a story of how I came to realize this. So I have two wonderful dogs, Georgia and Moose. If you follow me on Instagram, you've definitely seen them there.
post lots of pictures and videos of them sleeping and playing. But the other day, I was out walking Georgia, and she is a love bug of a dog. She is a snuggler, she's a Velcro dog, she's in the office right now while I'm recording this. And to see her out on a walk, you see a different...
a different piece of her personality. So I've had Georgia for three years and over the last year or so she has gotten more anxious and it has been a challenge to navigate. And so when we're out walking, Georgia needs physical space from other dogs and from other people because if she doesn't know them, understandably she doesn't want dogs coming into her space.
And so we were out on this walk in our neighborhood and a woman and a dog we didn't know was out. And she, the woman did not have control of her dog. Her dog was on like one of those retractable leashes and the dog just started like playfully charging towards us. And Georgia just froze. Like her anxiety was just skyrocketing. And so I immediately, without thinking,
said, my dog needs space, please call your dog away. And I didn't think twice about asking for this for Georgia. Like it just was an immediate response. Like my dog is uncomfortable and I need somebody to adjust what they're doing because of that. And it was like this light bulb moment of like how easy it was for me to speak up for her.
And so I literally realized like, my gosh, I have an easier time advocating for my dog than I do for myself. And so this is something I've actually talked a lot with clients about. many people find it easier to do things for others. So whether it's like lending a helping hand, doing something kind, advocating, know, kind of that.
that level of kindness, right? But then some people go above and beyond into people pleasing where they're like, it's at the detriment of their selves that they're helping people. We're definitely gonna talk about that in this episode. But basically, like I had this moment of if I can advocate for my dog that comfortably, confidently, without second guessing it.
If I can do that for my dog and I can do that for loved ones and for clients and other people in my life, I can continue to practice to do that for myself too. And so I definitely think I am a recovering people pleaser. I think there's a difference between being a kind person who's doing things for other people and then people pleasing on the other side of that is like, it's...
it's impacting you negatively to do something for somebody else. And so we don't want that, right? It's a balancing act of setting boundaries for yourself and helping others in the process. And there are lots of different ways to set boundaries and to advocate. And so a few ways that I've been practicing this and like naming it for myself as like, I'm setting a boundary, I'm advocating for myself, I'm communicating my needs.
There are a bunch of different ways that I'm doing this, but one example recently was I had plans to get together with friends after work and I had a particularly exhausting day and I just didn't have it in me social battery wise to go through with our plans to get together. And so in the past, I would have forced myself because I made a commitment and I don't want to let anybody down.
And so I sent a text and was like, hey, super long day, can we reschedule? And it was like, no problem. And it ended up working out better, right? Because when we did get together, I did have more energy. It was a more enjoyable experience to hang out on a rescheduled day, right? So being able to cancel plans is a way that I'm practicing setting boundaries.
Asking my partner to sit down and brainstorm our meal plan together is another way that I'm advocating for things that work for me. So instead of us winging it day by day, being able to sit down and say, okay, what do we have in the fridge? What does our week look like? Can we plan this together? Right? So having that, asking for something that is going to be helpful for me, mutually beneficial for both of us. I've also been setting boundaries with my work, which is
a is a is a constant practice being self employed. I think I feel this level of connection to my work on a much deeper level than in the past. Like, and so it can be really hard for me to set boundaries around my work. And I talk about this with
clients all the time and it's very easy for me to help them set their boundaries and to think about their boundaries, but to do it for myself is a totally different challenge. And so I no longer work evening hours. I used to see clients pretty late into the evening after work, seven, eight o'clock at night. And I don't offer that anymore because it no longer fits my schedule. It no longer fits my lifestyle. It did in the past.
but then I kept it going for way too long because that's what my clients wanted. And so I've set that boundary of I no longer work evening hours. Also when clients reach out to reschedule, I'm always happy to work with them on rescheduling, but I no longer offer times that truly don't work for me. Like that used to be a thing that I would do is I would give like a bunch of options.
And maybe half of them were like not actually times that really fit for me, but I wanted to make sure that it worked for my client. And so I've set a boundary on that, that I only offer times that truly fit my schedule, right? So some of that is like wanting to be a good coach, be a good support for my clients. But again, noticing that balancing act of like, is this like a kindness or is this people pleasing?
And so being able to kind of challenge my thinking on that as well, which is super hard to do across any field of life. But I particularly have a hard time doing it in my business. And I even name that for clients. Like I let them know that this is something I'm practicing because I know I'm helping them practice it too. So that is exactly what we are going to talk about today.
I'm gonna talk about setting boundaries, communicating your needs, asking for help, delegating tasks. Because most of the people that I work with are recovering people pleasers who work really, really hard to support the people they love. And so they have mile long to do lists that never end. Things are constantly being added to their plate or they're...
volunteering to take things off of other people's plate that they're adding on to their already crazy schedule, which leads to feeling overwhelmed, right? That like hamster wheel of trying to catch up while also trying to make sure that everyone is happy, everyone is getting what they need. And when that happens, when something is going up, when you're spending more time and energy supporting other people, that...
takes time and energy away from yourself. So again, I'm not saying don't help others. I hope that's not the message that's coming out here. The message that I want to give is like that checking in on what boundaries do need to set? What can they look like? How can they change? Because life is constantly evolving, right? And so a boundary or advocating for yourself one week might look totally different based on
what your life looks like, what work looks
like, what
right? I hope that one of the takeaways from this episode is that you can still support people and help people.
And you can set a boundary so that it works for you, for your time, your energy, and what you have to give other people. And on the flip of that, being able to advocate your needs, to ask for help, and to set boundaries in both directions, right?
So by setting boundaries, you save yourself time, energy and resources. And I think it's really important to think about boundary setting as a strategy. It's not being mean, it's not just saying no, and I'll get into all the different ways that we can set boundaries. But boundary setting is a strategy to help you manage everything that's on your plate.
Boundary setting is a literal tool in your toolbox. The same is true for advocacy. I'm kind of clumping all of these things together, boundary setting, advocacy, communicating your needs, right? Different names for different things, but they all fall under the same umbrella in my mind.
Saying no is a way to set a boundary. And saying no is also a way to prioritize. So by saying no to something, you're creating space and time and energy to say yes to something else. So boundary setting or saying no doesn't have to mean never. It might mean not right now. It might mean.
It needs to look different for this to happen, right?
I think it's really important to acknowledge that saying no to something is a way to help you prioritize. Because I think we think of prioritizing as I have to take everything that's on my to-do list and put it in the right order or perfect order or most time sensitive order, right? That's not true. Prioritizing is very complicated. It's not just about ordering things.
But one way to prioritize is to take things off of your plate. And that might be saying no, it might be asking for help, it might be delegating. And there are lots of other ways to say no to things, no being in air quotes. Because by saying no to one thing, you're opening up space to say yes to something else. So if you're someone who is
quick to say yes to things when people ask you, hey, can you help me with this? Hey, are you free on this day to get together? Hey, I can't think of another question that somebody might ask. I don't know, whatever that somebody's asking you to do something, right? If you're someone who's quick to say yes, because that's kind of ingrained in you, you know, recovering people pleaser, there are a couple of different ways that you can practice.
pausing on this to give yourself some time to think on it. And so maybe you do want to say yes, right? But giving yourself some space to actually make sure it fits for you. Does it fit your schedule? Does it fit your energy? Is this something that you want to prioritize? So give yourself a period of time to think on it. I'm a huge fan of Brene Brown.
If you are not familiar with Brene Brown, she is a social worker and researcher. She has Ted Talks, amazing books. She is a wealth of knowledge. And she talks a lot about perfectionism, people pleasing, setting boundaries. A lot of her research is on shame. I highly recommend checking out Brene Brown. She's amazing.
But one of the tools in her toolbox, she is a self-proclaimed recovering perfectionist and people pleaser. But on the people pleasing side, one of her tools that she uses, which I have borrowed and I'm now sharing with you credit to Brené Brown, is that she will twist her ring or a piece of jewelry three times before answering a yes or no question. So if someone says, hey,
can you bake cupcakes for the school bake sale? She will give herself a couple of seconds where she literally twists her jewelry to think on it so that she doesn't give that immediate yes. So I love that strategy of literally creating a pause for yourself and having a physical reminder of that, that you don't have to give the quick yes.
I've been talking about boundary setting and advocacy, self-advocacy with one of my clients and a strategy that she came up with, which I am obsessed with, shout out to this client, is that her first answer can be maybe. Isn't that like a wild thought to anybody who is always like quick to say yes, that you're allowed to say maybe? It was like a good aha moment in our coaching session when she said that.
I love that. So that's her reminder for herself. Like if somebody invites me to a social event and she's somebody who's quick to say yes, her calendar gets very full and like she has to kind of have recovery time from all these social events that she can now say that her first answer can be maybe. So I love that. We've also been talking a lot about communicating social battery.
So whether that's with friends, family, coworkers, other people in your social circle, in whatever way is comfortable for you, letting people know like, hey, I'm gonna go for a quick walk, I'll be back. Like literally taking physical space if you need to. Having options to give yourself some reset time if you're noticing your social battery draining on a social event, right?
giving yourself buffer time around big events. If you're traveling for a wedding and you have a full weekend of activities happening, giving yourself some buffer time before and after. Or adjusting what your Monday looks like if possible, if you're coming back from a weekend of travel and social time. So I can definitely do another episode in the future on social battery and communicating that, but
I do think that's an important form of boundary setting. So give yourself time to think about it before you say yes, and your first answer can be maybe. So love those. Another way that you can practice saying no or giving yourself space to say yes to something else is scheduling you time, me time. So blocking out.
time in your calendar for literally just whatever you need. So it could be five minutes of quiet time during your work day. If you're somebody that your calendar is shared with everybody on your team, give yourself, you deserve more than five minutes, give yourself whatever amount of time, but blocking it off on your calendar and literally protecting it. I don't take meetings during this time.
or I'm not available for phone calls, whatever that might be, But it could also just be taking some space for relaxation, hobbies, activities, kind of blocking that time off for yourself, whether that's on the weekend or after work, giving yourself some time that you're protecting for whatever it is that you want and need to do.
Another way that you can protect your time and energy is to ask for help and delegate. And this, if you are a recovering people pleaser, perfectionist, you're somebody who takes it all on, I think it can be uncomfortable to share responsibilities or to ask for help or like to...
pass something over to somebody if you have a particular way that you like to get things done, right? I think there can be a little bit of that discomfort of I like having it be done a certain way or I like having ownership over this. And so I think checking in with yourself on maybe there are certain tasks that you really do want to keep because you want them to look or be done a certain way.
but maybe there are other ones that are, that you're more comfortable to practice asking for help or delegating, whether that's at work, at home, in your social circles, whatever that might look like. And this is something that I have been practicing and giving myself reminders on, like literally the reminder of I can ask for help. Like I don't have to do it all on my own. And that...
is a little uncomfortable for me. And so that is something that I'm literally practicing. One of my clients is practicing setting some boundaries on when people ask her to do things. And so when we were coming up with a phrase that she could use, initially the phrase that we came up with was, I'm not able to do that, can someone else do it?
And when we were talking about it, I realized, I was like, that leaves space for them to say no and to potentially put it back on you, which sometimes that is reality. Sometimes we try to ask for help or delegate and that just doesn't exist for whatever reason. Like that support, it really does come back onto us. But in this situation, she needed to set a pretty strong boundary.
This was a task that she was not able to do. Someone else did need to do it. And we joked, I was like, well, I'm also a recovering people pleaser. even like, it took the two of us a little bit of time to recognize, can someone else do that? Wasn't a strong enough boundary for the situation. And so we reframed it. I'm not able to do that. Someone else will need to do it. And like, that is firm.
That is a firm boundary that she is setting. And again, recognizing that it's not always possible to set certain boundaries, but in this situation, it needed to be set. so advocating for yourself is a way to set boundaries.
it can be uncomfortable. So I think reminding yourself that it's a practice. Find things that are more comfortable for you to start with.
So even for me with Georgia, like practicing, advocating for her, setting boundaries for her and naming that for myself as like, this is a way for me to practice this type of communication. Cause it is a communication skill to be able to say and ask exactly what you need or what you're looking for.
If you are feeling challenged by asking for help, advocating for yourself or setting boundaries, look for opportunities where you can practice it and just point it out as a data point for yourself. Like, I just advocated for myself right there. And the more you do it and name it, the more comfortable it will become. And then when you have that big one or scary one that...
that you are wanting to approach, you have those data points of like, look at all these times I set a boundary or I asked for help or I shared what I needed. I communicated my needs to these people. So keep practicing it and naming it for yourself each time you do it.
In addition to setting boundaries with other people, you can also set boundaries for yourself. And what I mean by that is you can practice saying no or adjusting your plan for yourself. And the most common one that I talk about with clients is setting boundaries for screen time.
And if you just felt the pit of your stomach or like a little butterfly happen, hearing that, like you are not alone. I talk about doom scrolling and being sucked into screens with my clients on a daily basis. It is a chronic challenge for many people.
my little soapbox about phones for a second. They are designed to keep us addicted.
There is no shame if you find yourself being sucked in to your phone or to a screen. They are truly designed to grab you and keep you there. And I really have not met anybody who has enough, who has the right self-discipline to just cold turkey stop. If you fall into that category, amazing.
It's okay if you don't have the self-discipline to get off your phone or you are like, I'm not strong enough to get out of my doom scroll. There is no shame there. So I talk about with a lot of my clients, setting boundaries with your phone and using an external support to help you with it. So there are some...
great screen blocker apps out there. I've tried a bunch of them because I, like many of you, I'm not immune to this. I get stuck in a doom scroll. I feel like crap when I've noticed how much time I've spent just consuming random reels on Instagram. So I've tried one sex.
which is kind of like a mindfulness app. I've also used Opal, which creates a really strong block on whatever apps you're having an issue with, to the point that you literally can't get back in unless if you were to delete Opal, which not gonna lie, I have done that before. I just want to acknowledge the doom scroll is real.
I recently bought a product called Brick, which I'm excited to set up. It is a literal square that came in the mail and it turns your phone into a brick, which means that like when you tap your phone to it, you tell it what apps you want it to block out. And then you can't reaccess it unless you go back to your brick and re-tap it.
so I have not yet set that up, but I'm excited to set that up.
As I've said before, if something is going up, that means other things are going down. So if you're spending more time on your phone, it means that you're spending less time on other activities. And so to be able to do that swap, that's something I've been practicing, having alternative activities that I'm actually excited about and that I actually want to do. So having really exciting books, trying out different crafts,
scheduling an exciting exercise class, like I just went to a dance class last week, Getting outside.
So by saying yes to an alternative activity, I'm saying no to doom scrolling.
So there might be some other things that you want to set personal boundaries for yourself around, but I just wanted to give the phone as one example because I think that is a pretty universal one or at least one that I talk about a lot.
I want to wrap up this episode with a reminder that advocating for yourself, setting boundaries and asking for help takes practice. It can be uncomfortable, but it is definitely necessary and you deserve to protect your time and your energy. So if you're like me and you're working on this, you can ask yourself, how would I advocate for someone that I love? And then do that for yourself because you totally deserve it.
So take extra good care. Thank you so much for being here today. If there is someone in your life who is a people pleaser, quick to say yes, going above and beyond for other people and feeling overwhelmed by their own to-do list and the things that they're taking on for other people, please consider sharing this episode with them.
My goal is to spread the word and grow this amazing community of people that we have here. So thank you so much.
